I’ve probably spent 5-10 hours a day scrolling on Facebook. I couldn’t go to sleep without reading about how my 1,457 illegitimate “friends” day went or without waking up spending 10-30 minutes catching up on what I’ve missed while I was sleeping, before I even brushed my teeth or emptied my bladder. Updating my statuses, uploading pictures, searching and hoping that my ex was drowning in misery or looking for signs if he missed me. I’d find myself in these silent competition’s with people I don’t really know. My accomplishments were more like “In your face moments!” Posted before I even got to enjoy the benefits of my success. People were never really who they said they were (& I fell into that category as well sometimes). You know the world’s most greatest mom, but when there was no one to prove it to her kids went to bed hungry. Or the perfect relationship shown through pictures and cute quotes, but behind closed doors one of them went to bed alone, with bruised body parts and an empty heart.
I spent most of my time monitoring the lives of other people to determine my next move. Megan posted how she got a new job paying $30/hour but bypassed the people asking where they should apply. When probably in reality it was only her first interview and all she had was hope. Now I wanted to change my career and had in interest in catching lobsters or popping zits off people’s faces because I needed a job that pays $31/hour. I’d scroll past John’s post of him and his family in Florida, all of them smiling and happy in the picture , but if only we knew the hardships he encountered just to get there. Or the fact that his daughter spent the whole time locked in her room on her phone, his wife was too stressed out having to deal with the kids that was the only time she smiled the entire trip. Which led me to Googling prices of round trip tickets to Jamaica searching for airbnb’s with $33.54 in my bank account. Uploading a motivational post (for myself) “Planning my vacation for Jamaica!! I can’t wait!!” Which led me to intangible plans and dreams everytime.
I spent way too much time thinking about what other people were doing, going, and accomplishing. I forgot about what I was suppose to be doing, saving and planning for places I really wanted to be going, and putting my dreams on hold because I was too busy reading about someone else’s dreams. What a blob. What a waste of a good life, with endless opportunities, no?
I thought I was coming out of this pandemic the same person. Even though I seen several posts on Facebook saying “if you haven’t learned a new skill it was a waste of time.” Or “If you haven’t picked up a new hobby, you’re a loser.” So there I was making a mental list of things I was “going to do.”
Get a job
Spend more time with my sister
Use the Stimulus money to catch up on rent
Learn to surf
In fact the first thing I did was delete my Facebook account and not the deactivation option where if I log back in I can still have an account. No ma’am I SHUT THAT BABY DOWN & honestly it was there best thing I could have done & I honestly couldn’t be more proud of myself right and where I am right now.
In fact, I did get sober, it wasn’t just one of my many motivational posts.
I became an undergraduate student at Southern New Hampshire University, studying to get my BA in Creative Writing & English. Not only that I am working my butt off to maintain my 4.0 GPA
I pulled off Christmas for my whole family. Although at the end of it I was broke. We had a good Christmas. And had I not been sober I would have been broke anyways. But I didn’t feel the need to post bragging about it.
I started working on a novel that I can actually publish when it’s done.
I am learning sign language. Because having a conversation with someone hearing impaired is now on my bucket list
I started this blog, which I always wanted to do & I love it.
I gained weight, my hair is growing back, I have a roof over my head, I can be trusted to be left alone with my niece and nephew. I read like 25-30 books. I got my smile back. I go to all my appointments. I found peace and serenity, I started going back to church, (that too was just “something I was going to do”. & Remotely of course).
I started building the foundation to my own business in memory of my Mom who passed away. & That is what I’m most proud of.
So in the end when you can sum it up and simplify what I gained saying goodbye to Facebook, is TIME.
& even on most days I still feel like their isn’t that much to go around. But I have time to put in the footwork for my dreams to become reality, I have time for my family. I have time FOR ME.